Where the hell are all the normal jeans?

A few weeks ago, I was looking for some new jeans since my main pair had developed an extra orifice. Doing so has made me ask the question "where the hell are all the normal jeans?" I mean, seriously. The vast majority of the jeans I came across were just wrong in so many different ways. Let's mention a few examples of wrongness.

• Colour. By that, I'm talking about the various treatments, like stonewash or bleached or whatever. There were many samples that started off life as blue, then they were seemingly soaked in puke, then left to dry in the sun. That's not a pretty colour. Or the really dark blue with the ultra-faded slash/crease marks across it, making it look like you have a car grill on your thighs.
  
• *ahem* Embellishments. I almost want to say 'flair', a la Office Space. I'm talking about all the various decorations tacked (tacky) on, sewn on, embedded, or attached in some way. Some had various bits of fabric that were seemingly randomly stitched to the jeans. I couldn't figure out why, because they definitely didn't look good. There was one pair, I hope no straight man would wear, that had been decked out in rhinestones, as if it had been attacked by a horde of little girls armed with Bedazzlers! It was also rather deceiving because the front actually looked normal. You get lulled into a false sense of security, then BAM!, you're hit with a rhinestone forest on the ass.
• 'Distressed'. There's another trend that I just don't understand. The whole 'distressed' look, or the pre-ripped items. If I wanted old or damaged goods, I'd buy something new and WEAR IT! Or partially destroy it myself. Hell, I'm buying new jeans BECAUSE my old pair is ripped!! What's more stupid is that the distressed or damaged stuff often costs MORE. wtf? I'm paying more for something that has a shorter life...
  

That's only a few examples, but I'm too lazy to remember what the others were. After a lot of searching, I did manage to find some decent samples that were on sale (and in my size, but that's another story). Along the way, I ended up getting a bunch of shirts, too. One shirt in particular is a great piece of nostalgia; it's a tee with an equation on the front. The equation is (Mario) + (fire flower) = (fire Mario). Sweet. Now if only they had one with (Mario) + (Tanooki Suit) = (Tanooki/Racoon Mario).<sup>†

†</sup>See the wikipedia entry on Tanuki.

That is all.