[MSN Spaces] Friends and dating advice...

Over the years, it's hard not to collect dating advice from your friends. Some are amazingly smart and can say the perfect things when you need it, while others... well... are not so perfect. Most will land somewhere in the middle and will at least give you something to think about.

At Swing City last week, Chris, Chelsea, Sara, and I were talking and this topic came up briefly. Chris told us about a conversation he had with one of his friends about keeping a happy relationship. Many different philosophies and methodologies abound for this and range from one extreme to the other... often depending on if the origin is male or female. In Chris' case, it went something like the following:

* flowers monthly

* biweekly back rubs/massages

* probably something else that I don't remember

As Chris put it, it's 'preventative maintenance'. If it works for you, and more importantly, if it works for your significant other, then run with it.

But I'm not sure I agree with that. To me, it seems like he's both working too hard and too little. 'Too hard' in that there's almost 'too much'. Monthly flowers seems like overkill to me. And 'too little' in that there's a set schedule. That seems bad to me in a couple ways; first, you set up the expectation, and second, you remove the spontaneity. I prefer to do things as they come and when they are best done. My philosophy on life has, for several years, been to have fun and to just go with it; whatever 'it' may be. It's worked so far. I have yet to give Holly flowers, but I have given her an Orgasm and, just yesterday, a cute, striped horse (some might say a 'zebra'). There was no set schedule; I got her these because the idea popped into my head. That works for me, and it seems to work for Holly... but as the saying goes, 'your mileage may vary'.

Yesterday, I was chatting with my friend (Don't worry, I won't name you, Nigel.) and I mentioned that I referred to him in yesterday's blog entry. From that, I got to thinking about some of the dating 'advice' he's given me over the years. (If you haven't guessed, this is what spawned this entry.) I'm not entirely sure he wasn't serious, but he would definitely fall under the category of 'not so perfect'. Digging through my old ICQ logs reveals some of his gems of advice and comments. The following are just a few shining examples:

* on hearing that somebody asked if the girl I was on a date with was my gf: "Bah. You should've said "I dunno. Do you think she's good looking?""

* "True. But you really ought to smack her ass and say "Yeah, that's how I like it, bitch!" to determine her true feelings."

* "Nah. You don't want to give her mixed signals. If she acts surprized, just tell her "You know you my bitch." :)"

* "You know you my bitch, girl."

* "And smack dat ass frequently."

* "Well, when you smack dat ass, you'd best smack it good. :)"

* gf had gotten mono: "Well, there isn't much you can do now. Oh, you should've repented your foul ways with *****! Fear the path of the ass-slapping!"

* "..and in return you got a whole evening with *****, with a side-order of lesbianism?"

* "Nothing says "I love you" like heart-shaped tofu."

* on going out for sushi: "I dunno. What if she's unnerved by your presentation of seaweed, sliced meat, and rice? Will she run through the list backward, and decide that you find her bland, are going to cut her up, and will dump her body in the ocean?"

* on hearing that I haven't angered my gf yet: "I'm sure if you poked her with a stick for long enough... in the interests of scientific observation, of course..."

* "*shrugs* Just tell her, point blank, that her ass is slappable. Yes, don't listen to me. :)"

* "Get her to wear bunny ears. How could you family not get along with a cute bunny girl?"

I can't help but think there's a reason he's still single...

But, to be fair, he does on the rare occasion say something resembling wisdom:

* "Nah, but it seems that smacked asses lead to irate lasses."

* in regards to being a CSC: "But it does give you access to lots and lots of porn."

Ok, it seems I strayed a little from strictly dating advice... but it was all related in one way or another. Besides, they were too funny to skip over.

me: "you know... it's a good thing i have a friend (not you) that actually gives good advice... :-P otherwise, i'd be really screwed"

Nigel: "Bah. It's generally pretty easy to tell my good advice from my bad advice."

me: "that's true... but still, to be on the safe side, better to ignore everything"

Nigel: "The cardinality of the set of my good advice equals the cardinality of the empty set."

me: "and the cardinality of your bad advice is one of those orders of inifinity... one of the higher ones... more like the Reals as opposed to the Naturals"

Nigel: "*nods* Powerset of the irrationals, really."

me: "You MY bitch, root 2"

Nigel: "*hands ye the spatula of non-sequitors*"

me: "whaddya mean? that flowed perfectly... root 2 = irrational... "you MY bitch, etc" = your advice"

me: "definitely NOT a non-sequitor"

me: "it's was quite... uhhh... sequitorial"

Nigel: "Bah. If I can't extract meaning of it at face value, then it's worthless."

Nigel: "Why do I argue these stupid things I don't even believe in? :)"

me: "hehe. cuz you have nothing better to do... except homework"

Nigel: "Nail on the head there, my friend."

me: "yes, i'm quite astute that way"

Wow, we are such dorks....

That is all.